Shelby Melissa

Letting Go of Shame

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by

Shelby Melissa
in

Letting go of shame can be so hard. It is such a rough emotion. But we can do it. I’m doing it. Let me share my journey with you! Let’s release it together!


Letting Go of Shame

Shame is such a hard emotion to get through and let go of. When it comes up, it is like a shock to my system. I freeze. My face turns red. And I say some really stupid things. But I am getting better at letting go of shame! Here is how.

Lately, I have been working through Daring Greatly by Brene Brown. (Shout out to a fellow social worker!) One of the topics in the book is shame, specifically as it relates to vulnerability. It is a great section, if you ask me! (Really, the whole book is pretty great.) But I digress.

The chapter on shame talks about how it interacts with vulnerability. Vulnerability can be described as sharing the more hidden parts of one’s self to another individual, or group of individuals. Shame is a response that prevents this sharing. I would even go so far as to say that shame is a learned response. We are taught through experience what is “okay” to share and “not okay” to share, and shame is the resulting feeling of sharing something deemed as “not okay.”

Now, remember my New Year’s Resolution? I want to stand in confidence and share who I am as well as my beliefs, no matter who I am talking to, because I have felt scared and anxious at the thought of doing so. Not just that, but scared to share my creativity, my work.

Why do you think I would be scared to share these things? Because someone taught me to feel ashamed of my beliefs, my spirit, and the things I create from those two centers. I don’t feel shame by nature of what they are, but because someone told me I should. They told me I was a bad person, that I was going to hell, and made action to exclude me based on those things. (It wasn’t even the faux nice way of saying going to hell, “You are going to hell, but I love and accept you anyway.”)

So not only did someone teach me to feel shameful of my beliefs and who I am, but it resulted in me hiding away those things, those parts of myself. Because who wants to be made fun of? Or demeaned? Hiding them away means it takes more vulnerability for me to share them now. (As it probably would for anyone.) And, to further protect myself, a shame-tape was created inside my head. A shame-tape are the things we tell ourselves about why we shouldn’t be vulnerable and share, and why we are a bad person. It plays over, and over, and over. Funny enough, it creates feelings of shame to protect against the greater pain of shame from others in vulnerable moments. Brene Brown also calls the same-tape “gremlins.” What are the gremlins saying?

“What will people think?” (As if what they think is worse than what they say or do.) My gremlins don’t even have to go further than that anymore, because everything else is already assumed: “They will think you are weird.” (Because weird has been equated with bad.) “They won’t want to be friends or even acquaintances any more.” “You’ll have to deal with people trying to convert you, change you.” (With the understanding that I am bad as I am now but will be good and okay once I change who I am and what I believe.)

So who do we deal with these gremlins and subsequent shame? Well, here are 5 things I am doing:

  1. Name your shame-tape something ridiculous. Something that makes you want to listen to it less. Something to de-credit it. Gremlins is one name that can be used. Now, I haven’t seen the movie, but when they change, they look like little annoying creatures that just want to poke at you until you explode or give up. Poke, poke, poke.
  2. Reframe. I am sure I have mentioned this before. But when you hear “What will people think?” and the resulting thoughts tend to be “horrible,” “weird,” “bad,” the question really is “What negative things will people think?” So flip it! Reframe it! “What positive things will people think?”
  3. Validity Testing. And if the next thought after “What positive things will people think?” is that there is no way people will think positive things, look back. Was there a time when someone did react positively? (It is harder to know if they thought positively, because those are things they could keep in their head, but in my case the thoughts are linked to the actions. “What will people think?” brings the next thoughts of what they will do “change me” or “won’t want to be friends anymore.”)
  4. Affirmations. I love love love affirmations. They are wonderful reminders and can help reprogram those thoughts. A gremlin trying to sneak into your thoughts? Use some affirmations! “I am strong.” “I am confident.” “I greet my vulnerability with love.”
  5. Enlist others to help you. My husband is an easy person to incorporate into helping me. When I start feeling shame, I talk with him. He is always great for a pep talk! I also see a counselor who helps to keep me accountable. They are a nonjudgmental observer who can help to use the therapy skills I already have.

And there are more ways out there to fight those gremlins and smash through shame! What do you do? Share it in the comments below!
Then, if you are also dealing with perfectionism, check out my post on fighting it.

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Comments

5 responses to “Letting Go of Shame”

  1. kad8585 Avatar
    kad8585

    Brene Brown is such an amazing author. She has helped me through a lot of negativity in my life. So relatable
    Because shame is so toxic and does no one any good. Oxoxo

    Reply
  2. Building Faith: How a cat helped me to trust the Universe | ShelbyMelissa

    […] posts of interest: – Letting go of Shame – Fighting […]

    Reply
  3. Journal Prompt – Turning Shame into Magic – Shelby Melissa

    […] I said this yesterday, and I mean it – Shame is the blocker of magic.Where ever there is shame, there is magic blocked.Let me explain.Shame is an intense feeling. It is a powerful motivator. We don’t like feeling it. And we don’t want to ever feel it again.But it also sticks things hard in our memory.Just thinking about shame probably brings up memories as a child where someone made you feel bad about who you were, what you liked, what you did, etc. OR when you heard it happening to someone else, and you felt that shame too.Memories of judgement and condemnation.Of ridicule. Humiliation. Sometimes these memories are so strong, that we even feel shame just from remembering that memory. We still feel the impact of it so many years later.The Fracture.Whenever this occurs, we fracture off that piece of ourself that could invite shame, and we hide it away in our shadows. Sometimes we learn to be okay with it, but other times it stays sitting in the shadows.So, over time, more and more of who we are is pushed into the shadows. Essentially, locking away pieces of our magic with them.Because our magic, the magic we all have, locked within every cell of our bodies, within every part of our personality and heart. It is our soul, our source connection, our divine energy shining through.So, we lock the magic away that is these pieces of ourselves, until we consciously address them. That is – we are going to be turning shame into magic.Addressing the Pieces, and the Shame.So how do we go about doing this? How do we consciously address the shame and the pieces of ourselves in our shadows?Well first, we have to bring awareness to these pieces. So we observe as we go through our day. Directly, we become the gentle observer of shame. When did we feel shame? What was it about? But also, the feelings of shame may have dissipated but the judgement did not. When did we avoid things? When did we judge ourself? What did we say?Then from there, we journal.The Journal Prompts – Turning Shame into MagicGuess which questions we are starting with! If you said the questions above, you guessed right!Thinking back over your day or the previous day, depending on when you like to do your journaling, reflect on these questions:– When did I feel shame? What was it about? – When did I avoid something? – When did I judge myself? What was it about? What did I say?Then we can start looking at where it came from. This is somewhat of an optional step. Sometimes it helps to look at the roots of the story or thoughts, but other times it isn’t so helpful. So, feel free to explore with this, but don’t put too much pressure on yourself.– Where did I learn to feel ashamed about this?– What happened?And we flip the script! Much like with limiting beliefs, the things we feel shame about can be flipped. We can change the story around them.– Write out the limiting version.– Then flip it. Make it empowering, like it is an affirmation.(Ex: “Pink is a stupid color.” can become “Pink is the color of flowers, a color that is beautiful, like me!”)Use the affirming and empowering statements as a magical chant against the limiting versions. Repeat throughout your day and any time the limiting version comes around to banish it away!That’s it!You’ve done it! You’ve gone through the process of turning shame into magic! Use these journaling prompts as often as you would like!And come join us in the That Magic Life Facebook Group to receive uplifting support as you go through this process!Remember: as you reclaim those pieces of yourself, you reclaim your magic along with them!Additional Reading:Want to read more about shame? Check out this other blog post! […]

    Reply
  4. Building Faith: How a cat helped me to trust the Universe – Shelby Melissa

    […] posts of interest: – Letting go of Shame – Fighting […]

    Reply
  5. Journal Prompt – Turning Shame into Magic – Shelby Melissa

    […] I said this before, and I mean it – Shame is the blocker of magic.Where ever there is shame, there is magic blocked.Let me explain.Shame is an intense feeling. It is a powerful motivator. We don’t like feeling it. And we don’t want to ever feel it again.But it also sticks things hard in our memory.Just thinking about shame probably brings up memories as a child where someone made you feel bad about who you were, what you liked, what you did, etc. OR when you heard it happening to someone else, and you felt that shame too.Memories of judgement and condemnation.Of ridicule. Humiliation. Sometimes these memories are so strong, that we even feel shame just from remembering that memory. We still feel the impact of it so many years later.The Fracture.Whenever this occurs, we fracture off that piece of ourself that could invite shame, and we hide it away in our shadows. Sometimes we learn to be okay with it, but other times it stays sitting in the shadows.So, over time, more and more of who we are is pushed into the shadows. Essentially, locking away pieces of our magic with them.Because our magic, the magic we all have, locked within every cell of our bodies, within every part of our personality and heart. It is our soul, our source connection, our divine energy shining through.So, we lock the magic away that is these pieces of ourselves, until we consciously address them. That is – we are going to be turning shame into magic.Addressing the Pieces, and the Shame.So how do we go about doing this? How do we consciously address the shame and the pieces of ourselves in our shadows?Well first, we have to bring awareness to these pieces. So we observe as we go through our day. Directly, we become the gentle observer of shame. When did we feel shame? What was it about? But also, the feelings of shame may have dissipated but the judgement did not. When did we avoid things? When did we judge ourself? What did we say?Then from there, we journal.The Journal Prompts – Turning Shame into MagicGuess which questions we are starting with! If you said the questions above, you guessed right!Thinking back over your day or the previous day, depending on when you like to do your journaling, reflect on these questions:– When did I feel shame? What was it about? – When did I avoid something? – When did I judge myself? What was it about? What did I say?Then we can start looking at where it came from. This is somewhat of an optional step. Sometimes it helps to look at the roots of the story or thoughts, but other times it isn’t so helpful. So, feel free to explore with this, but don’t put too much pressure on yourself.– Where did I learn to feel ashamed about this?– What happened?And we flip the script! Much like with limiting beliefs, the things we feel shame about can be flipped. We can change the story around them.– Write out the limiting version.– Then flip it. Make it empowering, like it is an affirmation.(Ex: “Pink is a stupid color.” can become “Pink is the color of flowers, a color that is beautiful, like me!”)Use the affirming and empowering statements as a magical chant against the limiting versions. Repeat throughout your day and any time the limiting version comes around to banish it away!That’s it!You’ve done it! You’ve gone through the process of turning shame into magic! Use these journaling prompts as often as you would like!And come join us in the That Magic Life Facebook Group to receive uplifting support as you go through this process!Remember: as you reclaim those pieces of yourself, you reclaim your magic along with them!Additional Reading:Want to read more about shame? Check out this other blog post! […]

    Reply

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